right now my husband is in the other room watching an epic adventure movie for the four hundredth time this week. hurricane sandy has divided this marriage in-half: those of us who enjoy endless hours of man-on-man sword action, and those of us who would rather eat donuts dipped in wine while reading the history of saturday night live and snuggling underneath the dutch oven-fumed covers.
there’s nothing wrong with action adventure movies. if ryan gosling wants to run around in a thong fighting off aliens that look like reincarnated patrick swayzees, then go right ahead. i’d green-light that badass motha of a movie. but after a while, i began to say to myself, “well, these movies are certainly useless. they won’t do the dishes for me. they won’t make me a grilled cheese sandwich. and they certainly won’t encourage hubs to shower.” and shower he has not, for three days.
but tonight, as i lie on my bed clipping my garish sparkle toenails, i hear it: the end of the movie. i know it’s the end because the music is overly dramatic with just a hint of “ohhh yeah” built into it. it makes me feel inspired, and i know just by hearing it that the story’s protagonist has either saved the world, humanity, or his sexuality with a fantastic leading-lady kiss. no matter what it means, it certainly does make me feel like i can punch an ox in the face without any consequences.
i believe that these songs should be what ends our lives. when i die, i want james horner to orchestrate a song so freaking fantastic that everyone can be assured that i floated to heaven on wings of grammy gold. i mean trombones, tubas, french horns, and cymbals playing loudly, proudly, ending my life the same way i was born into it – with sweet sounds of screaming nonsense. wouldn’t it be lovely if this was what happened for every person’s demise? or, instead of an epic end song, they were awarded a song that symbolizes that person’s type of life? maybe one person’s song is the looney tunes music that plays right before porky pig goes “tha tha that’s all folks.” i mean yes, that IS all, is it not?
when i die, let them play something that sounds like an ending to a movie about a girl who spent her twenties drunk, confused, poor, in-love, slightly over-weight, passionate about writing, and always with a slight wedgie.
perhaps play this: