It's Whatever

a deep, cleansing exfoliation of the thoughts, with a hint of mint

Divorce is a seven letter word for SHUT UP November 13, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — omahgawditzljk @ 4:31 am

i don’t want to be dramatic, but i’m contemplating divorcing my husband. this is less harsh than my earlier word choice, which was “murder.”

he won’t stop snoring.

he is literally snoring into my left ear. it’s like chinese water torture with a touch of salt water washing up onto your newly shaven legs.

in the past thirty minutes, before i contemplated murder and then the less illegal route of divorce, i mulled over the following ideas:

sticking a dirty sock up his nose

sticking a tampon up his nose

slapping him as hard as i can across the cheek

getting so close to his face that the tips of our noses are touching, and then screaming as loud as i can

pouring gasoline over him and lighting a match… no, wait, that came later.

putting on real housewives until the sounds of six women talking about botox and louise vuitton gave him so many satanic nightmares that he woke up in a cold sweat and refused to sleep for days

finding the stray cat that sometimes sits outside our apartment and placing it on his face

moving out

nudging him to the right of the bed every couple of minutes until he falls to his death

but the thing is, prison is no good for me. if i don’t have access to tools so that i can pluck my face on a daily basis, i’ll end up looking like harry from harry and the hendersons. how will i ever find a girlfriend looking like that?

actually, i probably won’t divorce him either. i like him when he’s awake. but right now, he sounds like chewbacca. is this love? is this what i’ve waited for? there’s a love song in there, somewhere.

 

Epic End Song November 2, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — omahgawditzljk @ 12:09 am

right now my husband is in the other room watching an epic adventure movie for the four hundredth time this week.  hurricane sandy has divided this marriage in-half: those of us who enjoy endless hours of man-on-man sword action, and those of us who would rather eat donuts dipped in wine while reading the history of saturday night live and snuggling underneath the dutch oven-fumed covers. 

 

there’s nothing wrong with action adventure movies.  if ryan gosling wants to run around in a thong fighting off aliens that look like reincarnated patrick swayzees, then go right ahead. i’d green-light that badass motha of a movie. but after a while, i began to say to myself, “well, these movies are certainly useless. they won’t do the dishes for me. they won’t make me a grilled cheese sandwich. and they certainly won’t encourage hubs to shower.”  and shower he has not, for three days.

 

but tonight, as i lie on my bed clipping my garish sparkle toenails, i hear it: the end of the movie.  i know it’s the end because the music is overly dramatic with just a hint of “ohhh yeah” built into it. it makes me feel inspired, and i know just by hearing it that the story’s protagonist has either saved the world, humanity, or his sexuality with a fantastic leading-lady kiss. no matter what it means, it certainly does make me feel like i can punch an ox in the face without any consequences.

 

i believe that these songs should be what ends our lives. when i die, i want james horner to orchestrate a song so freaking fantastic that everyone can be assured that i floated to heaven on wings of grammy gold. i mean trombones, tubas, french horns, and cymbals playing loudly, proudly, ending my life the same way i was born into it – with sweet sounds of screaming nonsense.  wouldn’t it be lovely if this was what happened for every person’s demise? or, instead of an epic end song, they were awarded a song that symbolizes that person’s type of life? maybe one person’s song is the looney tunes music that plays right before porky pig goes “tha tha that’s all folks.” i mean yes, that IS all, is it not?

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxXS1CHjt-c

 

when i die, let them play something that sounds like an ending to a movie about a girl who spent her twenties drunk, confused, poor, in-love, slightly over-weight, passionate about writing, and always with a slight wedgie.  

 

perhaps play this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIduOvEoVeQ