sometimes i just want to give the finger to a spin-off. joey? screw you. you’re nothing without chandler. baywatch nights? HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO SAVE PEOPLE WHO ARE DROWNING IN THE OCEAN IF YOU CAN’T SEE THEM?! eff. you. mothereffer. the partridge family turned into getting together?? with what, your TV mom? oh, sorry, that’s the brady bunch, with another unsuccessful spinoff that i can’t even find the name of because anyone who tried to post it probably felt deep shame for knowing something like that. the only good spin-off which has come into my life… hell, america’s… nay, mankind’s life… has been saved by the bell. thank you, miss bliss, you glorious scallywag. but then they went there- to that dark, spin-offy place where the laughter is forced and the storylines are awkwardly unfamiliar when you want so badly for there to be some sort of remnant of the original – the new class? does anyone even care that they tried to replace zack morris with a boy who has a lazy eye? (sorry, richard lee jackson. give your hotass soap opera acting, Jesus loving brother my regards.)
spin-offs are as disappointing as every present your grandparents will ever send to you. they always have potential – you think they could be shiny and new as the as you wait with baited breath for them to arrive – but when you open them, you pull out these itchy, brown, chunky “wtf is this” sweaters, and they smell like mothballs. spin-offs are the entertainment world’s mothball sweaters! and they’re WOOL.
sometimes life seems like a spin-off. i look back on my high school days, or my early 20s, and i think yeah… i had it goin’ on. i had the friends, the adventures, the hopes for an exciting future in writing, and perhaps a rebellious boyfriend who would keep me wondering if he would commit or give me a rebellious boyfriend disease. but somewhere on this journey, between the query letters and pricing out my potential need for abreva, i saw my life unfold into this spin-off that even i don’t want to watch. nothing awful is going on. i’m happily engaged, i have a good job, great family, and a bundle of awesome and okay friends. but the fiance’s family is utterly insane, the job is in a field i couldn’t care less about, a field that forces me to do work until 10 or 11 o’clock at night, surrounded by the same great family and bundle of awesome and okay friends, except i think that they’re pretty over hearing about the insane in-laws and the passionless job. who wouldn’t be sick of hearing about it? or of telling me it’s going to be okay? change the channel, people i love. move on to an actual sitcom. maybe if i spoke like sofia vergara they’d tolerate it more… but i digress.
life just seems silly like that. it’s full of “can you believe that happened?” and laughter and “oh no!”s and “whoopsiedaisies” and small, precious moments of appreciation… but i like my life before better. how do we make this spin-off as great, if not better, than the original? i’m not sure. maybe bitching less and eating more fruit would help. people like fat-girl-gone-skinny stories. they also like a good comeback story. maybe i’m about to enter the “two and a half men” stage of my life. platoon was great… spin city was okay… but this… this is the hot ticket to a fresh start. but the second i start “winning,” someone please put me in time-out.
oh, and frasier was pretty good. go frasier.