and, of course, we shant forsake:
except you’re not, and good acting doesn’t mean taking twenty nervous minutes to tell another character what you ate for dinner.
let’s take a look at some actors and actresses that make me want to run to the closest slow talker’s/stutterer’s house, apologize for my insensitivity, and then scream at the top of my lungs when it takes them 58 minutes to say that it’s okay:
1. neve campbell
where do you get off interpreting normal human conversation as that which allows for forty pauses and “uhs” and “ums”? my actor’s studio teacher would beat you like chris brown before an award’s show for daring to interpret a writer’s lines as if they should be spoken by a puberty annihalated teenage boy who has just been asked to come to the front of the classroom to complete a math problem on the board, but has a boner and doesn’t know how to politely say “i don’t fucking think so.”
first you have to get through the part where bailey confesses to charlie that he cheated on sarah with that flaming red head. I KNOW, RIGHT?! who cheats on jennifer love hewitt?! her neutrogena commercials were quality, you blubbering orphaned alcoholic.
2. scott wolf
your dimples are hot. i want to eat captain crunch out of them. i’m pretty sure that if you met me, you would be into me too, because i would howl at you like a wolf and you would think that that was really original. but at the end of the day, what can you really provide me with but embarrassment at how long it takes for you to tell your AA sponser that sarah makes you want to stay sober and drink at the same time, you slow talking man whore.
3. dear chick who got fired from the family guy: they kept adam west, but you, you weren’t up to their standards. take it personally.
SHE NEEDS TO JUST DIAL THE PHONE. JUST DIAL THE FREAKING PHONE. CALL BAILEY. CALL HIM NOW. HE’S PROBABLY RUNNING TODDLERS OVER IN A DRUNKEN RAGE, DRUNK DIALING ADAM WEST AND LAUGHING AT YOUR FIRED ASS, YOU SLOW AS SHIT DIALER.
party of five, you have some significantly sucktastic actors whose interpretations of human communication AND grunge makes me want to spit onto your greasy hairdon’ts.
4. and, finally, the longest pause award, with added shallow breathing and unnecessary gulping, goes to kristen stewart, for making me age twenty years and birth five children before we are blessed with the knowledge that no, bella swan does not like the rain.
“what are you waiting for?!”
FOR YOU TO FINISH YOUR SENTENCE.
my fiancée and i have decided to install these on our front lawn anytime someone we don’t like tries to visit, someone tries to break in and murder us, the pizza delivery boy only has 2 minutes left before our pizza is over 30 minutes late and free, or a skeezy, butt stinky boy tries to date one of our future daughters: