It's Whatever

a deep, cleansing exfoliation of the thoughts, with a hint of mint

My sister is my only friend. Sad face. January 31, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — omahgawditzljk @ 2:51 am

no, this is not a truth, but i think she’s the only one who reads this.

 

if you’re reading this, and you’re not my sister… clap your hands.

 

 

 

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Nosy Neighbors, Inquire Within January 30, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — omahgawditzljk @ 11:18 pm

while i was in my room yesterday cleaning and shaking my fat ass to tunes on my i-pod, i dropped my cell phone for the sixth billionth time and ran downstairs to put tape on it.  after i couldn’t find tape and colored the broken plastic in with a black marker, i decided that maybe i was hungry.  as i was eating my mom’s leftovers that she was really excited to eat, i decided to make another cup of coffee to add to my already shaky hands and heart palpitations.  as i was making the coffee, eating the leftovers, texting my sister on my mended phone, i realized that there was probably something awesome on my mom’s non-cable TV, and turned it on to watch one of those B  movies from the 70s that makes you feel a little wrong inside.  after i was finished eating, i did the dishes. well, i did the dishes in that i put water on my dish and left it in the sink for later. then i accidentally splashed dish water on my face and got so grossed out that i used two large pieces of paper towel to dab at my supple skin.  then i threw it in the trash.  then i heard the wad of pretty much clean paper towel fall between the white bag it was supposed to fly into and the inside wall of the trashcan.  then i ignored that and went back to the couch to watch the TV flicker in and out of the digital signal that the government has cursed us non-cable-conformists with.  then the thought of that lonely piece of bright white innocence laying paralyzed within the mostly brown stained walls of the trashcan began to plague my mind until all i could think about was my approach to bending into the trashcan and rescuing it without having my long hair accidentally go into the trash, which is does on a pretty regular basis because this happens to me pretty regularly.  then i let some 20 minutes pass by because i was busy staring out the window at what i thought was a mouse on our back porch, but turned out to be a small bird, which is nothing like a mouse.  so i got up, picked the trash out of the trashcan and re-deposited it back into the white bag in the trashcan, felt pretty accomplished for the day, and drank some water.  then i realized i didn’t wash my hands after lunging my body into the trash of days past and got really grossed out, so i went upstairs to shower.  i cut my leg while attempting to shave in the shower, and then imagined for a little while what my family would say if i had a wooden leg.  i decided they would probably think it was ridiculous, because no one has wooden legs anymore, and we would get in a fight about prosthetic legs vs. them just accepting me for me, and then my shower was over.

i went back into my bedroom, only to discover that my  i-pod had been playing Christmas music for a good 10 minutes. then i wondered if my neighbors could hear my music blasting through the walls of the front of the house.  i then thought… if i can hear them talk about invigorating topics such as laundry detergent, pottery barn, and hemroids as they walk their dogs/kids, then of COURSE they can hear the rhythm of me music beating through these walls.  but wouldn’t someone think it strange that i, at the end of january, am listening to the celine dion christmas album? it’s been decided that if i heard someone’s i-pod go from p!ink and regina spektor to songs of yule tide joy, then that person is probably dead.  shouldn’t that cause some worry? so i just let the whole christmas list, all 40 songs, from nat king cole to hanson, from SheDaisy to the regretful purchase of the Rosie & Friends Christmas awfulness, play, play away, and no one seemed to think it was strange.  and people were out, i know they were out, because the sun was out, the snow was melting, and i was watching them from my sister’s bedroom window as i sat on a stool and wore sunglasses like a secret agent.

i make strange noises in that room ALL the time. when my fiance and i have relations in there, people should be banging down the door asking if i’m okay as we’re doing a little banging of our own.  metal’s clanging, there’s pleading and negotiating going on.  and when i’m sad and cry, i WAIL.  i moan and groan and scream “Whyyyyyyyy” until all hours of the night when something upsets me, and never for any good reason.  one time i cried because i hadn’t cried in a while.  shouldn’t these neighbors care?  where are the authorities knocking at my door, calling me m’am and asking me if everything is alright?  well no, officer, everything is not alright.  i’ve still got A Rosie Christmas on my i-pod, my leg’s bleeding out, and the neighborhood watch is too busy watching desperate housewives to give a damn about my doings in this room of mine.  and what about my constant obsessive watching of Grey’s Anatomy on DVD? is it a mentally stable person who can’t get enough of gory surgeries, cancer, slow deaths, and lovesick doctors?

i’m just saying, people of  _____________ street.  you could show a little more concern.  also, if you allow your kids to ride those freaking electric scooters before 9 AM again for the entire spring and summer, i promise to give you a real reason to call 911.

mucho love.