all year i wait patiently for the christmas season. nothing else is worth living for. not even the last day of school when i approach a random school and run around the playground screaming with/at the children when the final bell rings. not even my arrest after. there’s only one thing i want this christmas, and if i don’t get it, i might just run someone over:
HOW AWESOME IS THIS. your car… is a RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER. it makes me want to blare “rudolph the red nosed reindeer” while driving off of overpasses onto traffic below.
“I’M FLYING” i’ll scream as i crash onto the roofs of others, and no one will be surprised, because THAT is the magic of christmas.
no one will even CARE if you commit a hit-and-run because they’ll think, “wow… i was part of something greater than I tonight” and they will be right. and you’re not just any reindeer. that middle finger that the dad in the mini-van gives you as you cut him off while blaring N*Sync’s gender confused rendition of “holy night” will only remind you that you’re santa’s #1.
so i encourage every one and jews alike to grab a pair of reindeer ears, a red nose, and a bottle of vodka, and go car caroling this christmas. if you get pulled over, just ask the cops if this is reindeer profiling, and they’ll shake their heads and go, “oh rudolph. you sick, drunk son-of-a-bitch.”
merry christmas, and reindeer shits, from my 1994 honda accord to yours.