It's Whatever

a deep, cleansing exfoliation of the thoughts, with a hint of mint

Who Had a Bad Day? The News Did. January 31, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — omahgawditzljk @ 7:37 pm

i don’t think anyone will argue with the genius that is ron burgundy.  his pizzazzy suits, his blown-over hair, the leather bound books and the apartment smelling of rich mahagony… baxter.  the wheel of cheese.  all of these things make ron burgandy, lead anchor of the channel 4 news team, a winner.   winner.

and the stories he reports on. oh, the stories.  we all remember the squirrel who could water ski.  

the pregnant panda.  

winning stories for a winning journalist.

so what, i ask, would make a journalist a rip roaring loser?

Fox News Anchor Thomas Drayton and his Top 5 Bad Days segment defines a loser anchor.

first of all, you’re not classy enough to have anything smell like rich mahogany.  #2 – after watching fox, nbc, abc, and cbs report on the violence and crime in philly, i certainly don’t want to watch thomas drayton report with a laugh in his voice about more people who have sucky things happen to them.  sure, when a burglar gets beaten down by the 90 yr old he was attempting to rob, that might make me laugh, but creating a segment for an already glum news hour that revels in laughing at others’ misfortunes, no matter how much someone may deserve to be laughed at, seems like a waste of air time and loses a reporter’s journalistic integrity.

why focus on the negative when there’s a lot of good happening to people every day? why can’t we feel good watching other people experience happy moments?  perhaps fox philly should do a segment called “Top 5 Fucking Fantastic Days” and advertise it as “5 people whose good fortunes could give us a little hope in this sucky economy, war ridden, natural disaster inflicted, sickness filled world.”

is it so hard to do this:

TOP 5 FUCKING FANTASTIC DAYS

1.  Here is comes… Miss Not Ordinary Anymore

2.  I went to high school with these chicks

3.  People still care about other people

4.  “Oh When The Saints… Go Marching In…”

5.  Home Sweet Renovated/Donated/Needed a Home Home

And you know what’s really sad?  Like stopped-my-sister-from-doing-her-taxes-so-that-I-could-announce-it-to-her-sad?  IT WAS REALLY HARD TO FIND GOOD NEWS.  It took me over an hour to find anything happy happening to people in online news stories.  The local news station websites in my area are riddled with negative, sad, devastating stories of death, injustice, misfortune, and hate.  But if I can take the time to find at least some inspirational, smile-worthy stories online… if I can point out some kind of good that’s happening to others around us… then why can’t journalists or TV Anchors do their part?  Are these stories too few and far between to report on?  Or are they not as interesting as the bad news is?  Do we as a society prefer to hear about someone’s bad day so that our own lives seem less craptastic?  Maybe, deep down, some of us fear that hearing about the good in others’ lives, however big, small, long lived or short lived it may be, might make us envious, jealous, hateful people.  Or maybe it will just remind us that good things still happen to us, even if “good” acts as the underdog in a world where bad stuff seems like a stronger news story.

For the news anchors who laugh at or get off on the suffering of others, let me just make one other point clear:  Even news people have bad days.  Live.  And available on youtube 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, for millions and millions of years.

This is omahgawditzljk, signing off.  Stay tuned for “The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien”… oh wait.

 

Cardio Fitness. Ba bum ba bum ba boring. January 26, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — omahgawditzljk @ 9:59 pm

that was the sound of my heart being bored.

i belong to a gym for the simple price of $5.00… A YEAR. so you’d be surprised to learn that i go about 5 times a year.  i’m not totally lazy, aside from the fact that the other day i wore 3 day old socks because i didn’t feel like bending next to my dresser to pick up the clean ones that i had dropped onto the floor.  i watch my programs, especially the reality ones about women who live at home and buy things with their husbands money and get mad at their friends for having more sex than them and their possibly cheating husbands,  and i watch these flabby armed, yet tight faced mistresses of botox workout during their busy day of eating salads, and i think to myself… if a 55 yr old woman recovering from a face lift can stay on the treadmill for 45 minutes, why can’t i?

the answer is boredom.

walking in place for more than 20 minutes is boring. add in the fact that no one has personal tv’s hooked up to their machines like at other gyms, and you have me, trying to read the closed captioning on a flat screen 10 miles away, while simultaniously falling off my machine because where my head looks, my feet try to go.

in a world of devastating earthquakes, incurable illnesses, poverty, abuse, and other horrible life truths, why does my boredom at the gym matter? it doesn’t, aside from the fact that i’m 26 and i feel like i’m a brick. house.  i’ve been catching news coverage of the rescue and recovery mission in haiti for the past couple of weeks, and i wish that i was a more useful human being who knew how and had the strength to search through rubble like so many brave volunteers have done since the quake struck.  when i look at the screens, though, my heaviness sets in.  i feel like those concrete blocks, and so i know that my fitness and health hold me back from things… maybe not from something as extreme as going to haiti, but from doing other things that i SHOULD be able to do at the age of 26.

but how do i fight the boredom.

i’m on my way to the gym right now. i’m bringing my ipod shuffle and the remnants of a dream i just had about the men of “glee.”  that should occupy a solid 15 minutes.

 

Previews. The New Extacy. January 10, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — omahgawditzljk @ 9:56 pm

last night, my boyfriend showed up to my house at 8:42 pm.  our movie started at 8:50.  that gave us 8 minutes for me to get into the car, buckle, and hover aircraft our way to the theater.   by the time we got inside the building, figured out how to use the self-ticket machine for the 34985th time, peed, found seats, took off our jackets, re-found seats after the tallest man in the world and his gargantuan friend sit directly in front of us in a theater full of 5 people, the previews are already 1/2 over and my happiness is lost.  so i canceled the movie plans, bc who the hell cares about the feature presentation. so we went to starbucks and talked about bread for a long, “should we just break-up?” thought-invoking time.

previews are the best thing ever. i don’t even have anything on the same level to compare it to.  for a long time i’ve thought about going into the preview watching or creating business. ask me to watch a preview, sit next to me and wait for me to lean-over and whisper “oh i am TOTALLY seeing that” or “AH I HEARD ABOUT THIS” or “oh jesus that looks just evil” and then hand me a check? yes please.  there are the previews that give you goosebumps, like pearl harbor or sex and the city, both 1 and 2.  there are the previews where you don’t know what the FUCK is going on, like the imaginarium of doctor parnassus, (sorry, but all i know is that this, not batman, is heath ledger’s last film, which will actually be the only reason why i go and see it, thinking while i’m watching it “did he know he was going to die…” after every heath-is-dead scene.)  and then there are the previews that make you want to slap a producer on the balls (check out the one for “why did i get married too?” and know in your heart that the song they use is from “the young and the restless” and never stood a chance). but previews also make me feel excited; they give me something to look forward to. and who doesn’t wonder what the trailer would look like for a film about our own lives? will it be a preview for a romantic comedy starring jennifer aniston, robert downey jr. (i stole your perfect pairing, sister) and a hilarious mix-up in a small town on Christmas eve?  will it be a dramatic trailer involving celine dion’s vocals and several quick shots of a funeral, a fight, a gun, and a child singing alone in the woods?  hopefully not. unless, in the end, robert downey jr. bangs jennifer aniston in a steamy love scene that reflects a night you had in a log cabin with your real-life extremely handsome, somewhat comparable to robert downey jr. husband, who’s rich and well endowed in areas that only you and his calvin klein’s know about.

Previews are seductive little bastards.    Give me a few dramatic shots of ben afflek chasing a woman in the rain, or of an animated soup spoon crying over a bowl of lobster bisque, with julie andrews singing in the background, or of julia roberts laughing at nothing like a crazy person,  add in a james horner soundtrack, and i guaruntee you $11 of my $20 savings and a chance at second base after the movie’s over.

“the following preview has been approved for all audiences by the motion picture association of america”, and by me…and God.

YES.  

NO.  

 

Planning Ahead: A Mental Breakdown Guaruntee. January 6, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — omahgawditzljk @ 6:51 pm

i just turned 26 a week ago today.  if your response to that is “who the fuck cares,” then please stop reading and go electrocute yourself or go kick a puppy so that the world and Oprah hates you.

26 feels like a good number. i felt 100% fine with it until my twin sister said with a sigh “well, we’re in our late 20’s.”  BLASPHEMY. but other than that small rain on my magnificent parade, 26 still feels like it holds a crap load of good things for me.  regardless of my intuition about this year of living, i can’t help but still feel a bit panicked about the fact that there are people out there, 26 yr old people, who have done a lot more than me, like carrie underwood, or aimee osbourne, the unloved and unaccounted for ozzy osbourne offspring. but it’s ok, because she’s pretty.

for the past couple of years, i’ve let numbers rule my mind.  i thought that by the time i was 22, i’d have a successful job at a publishing company.  when that didn’t happen, i thought by 25 i’d have at least published some of my writing, or at least have sent more than 1 piece out to more than 1 big name, badass publishing company (turns out, i think i sent it to the wrong address) (no i didn’t). and as i sit on facebook, i look at where the kids i went to school with are in life.  some already have babies, one works for ryan seacrest productions, and about 93482394898 of them are engaged.

my boyfriend told me over a year ago that by the last day of 2009, i’d have an engagement ring.  and for the last year, every time i saw him, i panicked and dressed for the possible down-on-one-knee moment where i could possibly vomit as i cried.  as new years came and went, and no ring was slid onto my finger,  i started to get a little upset.  aren’t i supposed to be married by 27?! don’t the kids have to be here by 30, because at 35 is when we’re moving to boston so i can get my MFA in creative writing/awesomeoness? as i took a walk around my neighborhood in the frigid air today, wearing yoga pants, an Emerson hoodie, and a bright red vest, feeling very “back-to-the-future”ish, i realized that if i want to discontinue this downward spiral into a depressing abyss of numbers, angst, and severe constipation with a side of broken-out skin, then i have to stop planning my future so much and just go with the flow.  what girl wants to know when she’s getting engaged? do you really want to get pissed at the end of every hang out with your boyfriend because he didn’t reach into his pocket and hand you a piece of jewelry that cost him 70 paychecks, his inheritance from grandma, and 17 happy hours missed because of me?  what was i thinking? why didn’t i throw wine in his face when he gave me that piece of year-altering information? isn’t most of the fun being surprised when it happens?

i’ve also realized that we can’t dwell on the plans that don’t go the way we wanted them to go.  there are decisions i’ve made in the past that i blame for why i have no money or no real success in the present day, but then i realize that i made those decisions for a reason.  just because life isn’t where we want it now doesn’t mean it won’t ever be where or what we want it to be.  i believe that the battles we fight now make the victories that we win later that much more special.  when one door closes, a window opens? something inspirational and cliche like that will help you get through your day.

26 isn’t old. and i’ve decided not to plan so much for my future – none of us should; we should see where every day takes us, and plan here and there accordingly.  . if you don’t do that, you may wake-up one day and realize that you’re having a heart attack at the age of 26… and you didn’t plan to die ’til you were 78.

chinless.